I can do nothing, and I'm content with that

God is faithful when I am not. He persists when I give up. That about sums up the last 2-3 weeks for me. I think it would be reasonable to say that, in the short time of those few weeks, I had more anxiety and doubts about faith in my life than I have had in the past year or even two years combined. I was utterly miserable at points, and I definitely couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, I felt as though the darkness would be unending; that I would just have to live with my anxiousness and doubt until the day that I died. 

Thank God that He wasn't going to leave me where I was. This last week, God used Madison, Brad, Jason, and Tanner to speak truth into my life. I began to address doubts that I had pushed aside before. But it definitely wasn't me doing the work. It was God in me working. I was talking to Madison the other night, just going over some of the tough things that had been happening lately, and I ended up saying "I'm so glad that it's God giving me the strength to believe, and not myself." It makes me glad that God brought me to the point where I realized just how true the doctrine of preservation of the saints is. He is the one who gives me strength to have faith. He keeps me going; He keeps me persevering. Romans 1:16-17 says "For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, 'The righteous shall live by faith.'"

I love the part in verse 17 that says that in the gospel God's righteousness is revealed "from faith for faith." God's righteousness and His power are given to us so that we may continue to have faith!

I must admit though, I'm a work in progress. God has used these last weeks to make me feel so helpless that I must rely on Him - for faith, for hope, for joy. Even yesterday, I wasn't sure I could or even wanted to lead worship this morning. I just didn't have it in me. Somehow, though, God got me through preparation and out to practice last night, despite my attitude and feeling. Singing praises to Him is something I will never fully comprehend. The beauty of perfect harmonies played on different instruments, joined with words of truth and praise - there are not many things like it. He used that in my life last night and this morning to bring me closer to Him. As I continue to pursue Him and His truth, my prayer is that He will continue to work in me and give me strength to live my days for Him.

As I am now 8 days from beginning college, and 4 days from meeting some of my classmates, I pray that God will give me the strength to be a light to those around me. I pray that every day I feel the urgency to share the gospel. Easier said than done, though, right? Penn Jillette, in his widely viewed youtube video, asked the question to Christians, "How much do you have to hate someone to not proselytize?" If we really believe that hell is real, how can we not share the gospel? More than that even, how can we look at Christ's command to share the gospel with all nations and not feel insatiably compelled to do so? I'm not sure, but I pray that God gives me that desire to share His gospel. 

That's about it - my thoughts on electronic paper. Last thing though, I'm not sure what Ali leaving is going to do to me...we spent Friday together going Goodwill shopping, going to Olive garden, then randomly going up to Omaha to watch the Patriots game on my Grandparents TV. I'm gonna miss her. At least we'll still have our telepathy to communicate at any time we wish during the day, though. ^_^